I have failed. Not once or twice, but many times. Each time I fail, hope quivers; anxiety piles up, worries stretch far and wide, future becomes bleaker and I lose a piece of myself.
I slam the doors of my bedroom, curse the homespun walls, start a blazing tussle with my favorite pillow. But, they never react. They stay gloomy and monotonous like always. I couldn’t complain now, could I? Especially my pillow. It’s been soaked in my salty tears and been battered by my fists, still it has remained a friend throughout the woo-hoo’s and blues of my life. Yet, it had nothing to say funnily enough.
And, no matter what, I still keep moving to an uncertain and desolate gateway named future. It’s getting harder with each setback.
“It’s treacherous, wild and uninhabited”, my inner voice is screaming at me to stop. Who can blame it, right? It’s merely trying to keep me alive, keep me from treading into the terrifying abyss all alone.
“Nice try”, I say to that voice.
I must not stop; I should keep going, I remind myself. There was something about that success and glory, you see.
I have watched people soar high and bright in the majestic sky. People break out the shackles of their misery and mount the highest peaks. I have watched people move forward when they almost froze to death. People cross oceans and continents to do something they love.
“What is it that sets them apart from the rest?”, I always questioned myself.
I wanted to know how it would feel to arrive towards the light at the end of the tunnel.
Wanted to kiss that trophy standing amongst the best and experience the atmosphere for myself. To be picture perfect even though I knew there existed no such thing.
Wanted to be right every time I voiced my opinion though I knew opinions differ and mine can’t always be right.
“But, how to?”, I ask myself again. I start to think restlessly. Pictures, people, colors, moods and all the unforeseen things that led to my failures start playing in my head like a silent movie.
Suddenly, out of the blue, I notice a pattern with every failure. Each time I failed, I failed differently. I came to a realization. The magnitude was different, the scenario was different. But, the outcome was the same; I learnt something with each mishap. I improved and was getting better and closer. And, that was it. I knew.As if someone pushed a button inside my head. I could now see it so clearly that even the Boracay Island, known to be one of the clearest waters in the world would turn down a fight with me.
So, digging up my confidence, drawing courage, gambling on luck a little, placing a bet on hope, adding a tea-spoon of trust, blowing self-doubt to smithereens; I rise. Like a phoenix from the ashes, dusting off the melancholies while rekindling my inner flame.
“You’re not going to make it”, one of the voices in my head screams again. I was in no state to pay attention as my spirit was so scorching, it incinerated that voice to a pile of dust.
I could almost feel it; the glory I was looking for. Something which chained my body and drained me dry, gave me vicious nightmares and sleepless nights; even going so far as to extinguish my will to live, on making me question my place in this demented world.
I chuckled thinking about them, because it was all over. It was well behind now. Success was so close now that I could actually catch it if it was a living thing. Now I know why it wasn’t easy. Now I know why it seemed impossible to conquer.