I am not too old to write about love or life yet but before this day I wasn’t actually living my life. I was somehow dragging myself to death, I was waiting for my existence to end. Do you remember when we were young, we used to see the world in white (a sacred place) and strongly believed in the existence of God. I guess I was the same till I was five but then an incident took place which took the liveliness away from my soul. I started to see the world as a place where only death was deathless. Every night when I tried to sleep but couldn’t do so, I asked from the particles of the air ‘where is God?’ Why doesn’t he finally announce oblivion and reboot everything!
I wasn’t afraid of oblivion or death, I was afraid of being left alone. I spent many years in search of a shop in the town where I could purchase love and taste it, I had no idea how it smelled or looked like. But instead I found out that love wasn’t a thing. It had no shape like water, but it wasn’t water either.
I watched the sun rising and wondered, is love like the sunlight or attainable from it ! I watched the trees with fascinating shapes, re dressing themselves with new leaves and talking to the mountains. When it rained I thought this was a way of the sky to convey it’s affection to the land, but what if it was crying because they never meet at the horizon. My observations didn’t do any good to me because I didn’t recover my lost liveliness.
I lost hope and was sinking into loneliness so I started searching new options to find out the meaning of this complicated emotion. This time I looked away from the land, I gazed into the night sky in a hope of finding any star smiling at me but that night all stars were sleeping.
Hopelessness bound me, it led me to the paths I never knew existed, the path of self hatred, the path of nothingness.
I was shattered, I was craving for affection. It felt like I will break into tiny fragments and nobody will get affected by it. Nobody will notice my sudden non-existence or disappearance.
Then one day I saw a shooting star carrying a hope for me. And out of the dazzling light, a shadow appeared. And the miracle was, I smelled something different. A sweet aroma was around that shadow, he was a real human being. I thought I was dreaming but I wasn’t sleeping. He started sewing my shattered pieces into one piece. And that day, after such long time I felt alive, he made me feel alive and more human. He gave me my hope back. He filled my heart with liveliness and threw the nothingness out of it. I couldn’t afford to lose him at any cost. Gave all of my controls and surrendered my heart in front of him. Started breathing in his intoxicating air, the air of love. Started believing in life again, I was so close to find the purpose of my existence.
But I guess this wasn’t scribbled in my destiny.
On the spur of the moment I felt the warmth of my heart fading away and he disappeared in the white misty fog handing me my damaged, irreparable and cold heart, cutting all the threads he used to sew my broken pieces together and so, I broke again. I picked the pieces of my broken soul and somehow managed to place it together inside me. The worst thing was, he got my heart addicted to himself and his heady scent. My heart was dying due to lack of love, I wished I could tear my skin and caress my heart. Instead of the meaning of my cosmos he handed me a cotton candy of betrayal garnished with hopelessness in a love blind season.
I waited so long for that season to pass, I was waiting for the morning sun to reappear. Every night I looked into the sky in a hope of finding another shooting star but the sky was black as if it was mourning my lost hope. The fog in which my hope disappeared was still misty and frigid.
I started realising that my life curve was a hyperbola and that love line was my asymptotes which won’t meet me again until I reach infinity, love was just a dying star for me.
It needed light to fill the darkness of my heart, warmth so that it can pump life in me again. I started digging the self love which was somewhere stranded inside me. Decided not to give up
This time it was much easier and I understood that love has no meaning until you don’t know how to fight with your own demons.
Maybe he didn’t actually come into my life to make it meaningful but to teach me something. My brain was no more a slave of my internal monster. I understood that, no matter whoever comes into your life, in the end only you will be there for yourself. To love yourself in those lonely nights when it’s raining and thundering outside. Only you will console yourself when your heart won’t stop crying due to the agony. Only you will be there to live with yourself till the very end. And only you will embrace the death with yourself because only ‘You’ are your life partner.
Love is shapeless but it can attain the shape of your heart as it did mine. But only if you will allow it.